"kenchtin"

i dont know which is harder, writing this down and opening this up or just bottling this all up. i wont go to the details coz it dates back from the day i was born! hahahaha... literally speaking. just kidding.

i have been feeling soooo drained. always the one giving, being patient, taking care of everybody in the family yet they always take me forgranted. or that's what they show me. especially my dad and sis. my sis hasnt talked to me for a month already just because i called her out from always using the internet (whole day!) imagine that! am i wrong in doing that? maybe my course of action is yelling but i have tried talking to her nicely and she doesnt obey. if u know her, you'd know im telling the truth. even when my mom instructs me to wake her up in the morning when we have somewhere to go to, she yells at me when i tell her nicely "lala mata na daw ingon si mama" and i say that repeatedly coz she's not a light sleeper. grabeh maghagok ang lubot.

i dunno, if i do something lets say bad or offensive to her, she'd find ways to get back at me. but if its the other way around, i get mad but i keep it to myself most of the time hantod kaya pa. i think its unfair. i have been a good ate. i cook for her when there's no yaya or mama, treat her out and let her buy things using my own money and not moms credit card, supports her sa iyang kabuang sa mga na bfs nya even covering up for her, and if there are nice places to visit or things to do i invite her and her bf to join kent and i, bsta daghan pa.

i hate the feeling of being a failure as a sister and as an ate. my mom told me im not a failure and that my sis is just like that. she has learned to live with that. this is not the first time we havent spoken to each other but this is the worst. because i have swallowed my pride and asked sorry for yelling and asked her not to do the things she did before i yelled at her that also hurt me. it was like this i gave her a letter, a short letter to open doors for reconcilliation and her reply dated back from years ago and the letter was sooooooo long and i gave a reply ------- wait im getting teary eyed---------- ok im back... she didnt even read the reply i sent her. i just wanted her to know about my side, my story. of corz i know we think our story is always right thats why i wanted her to know mine so that she can compare. and we can talk about it. we can compromise and agree. she told me she didnt want to do anything with me or read any mails im sending her she just deleted it. ouch...

a week later i sent her a text asking her to read my email. her reply? she just delete it and she wont even read txt messages from me. that was really shocking for me, is my crime really that bad? i dont think so. i think she just hates me like what my mom said because its like a competition for us. people always said i was nicer, prettier and a better daughter than her. i didnt know physical appearance counted.

anyways, i asked my mom and dad to help me. its been more than a week since i shared my problem with them and they didnt even organize a family meeting with lala, me and them. my mom just told me she asked help from a nun who is conducting counseling but she's still in manila. i dunno when she's comming back.

I GIVE UP! im not going to attend any counseling. we could have solved this if they helped me. we could have solved it as a family. but they didnt want to... they didnt want to be disturbed. they wanted to ask someone else to solve our problems.

i have been praying so hard about this. it started with the novena masses to Señor Sto. Niño. i recieved very usefull advice from the homily. it counteracted my hatred and anger. at least i dont have hatered inside my heart but the pain is still there. it wont go away because eveytime i come home only mama talks to me. ella shows me that she talks to everyone but me on my face. and leaves the room whenever im there. i just let it pass. i dont mind i nalang although i cant help but get hurt. after everything i did, this is what she'll repay me.

i remember the time we also had a fight then she had her operation for removal of her myoma. even if we werent in speaking terms or at least she didnt talk to me that time, i visited the hospital everyday helping mom take care of her. i wonder if i was in her shoes if she'd also do the same or she'll just ignore me like what she's doing right now.

i realy want to give up on everything, but my faith in God, my love for kent and his love and support for me has helped me get through everything. i cry everyday, everytime i remember or realize what has happened and everytime i go to bed. thats why im blogging right now. i want to lay in bed na duka na au ko para sleep diretso. i was planning na gani of moving out of the house, but para ni mama i wont do that. ako sikmuraon tanan ila buhaton nko including papa, lala and lala's bf. of corz i get mad but wla man ghapon nko sila g-away or show disrespect for them as persons. ill just cry and cry until i die. hahahahaha.

even dd2 sa tacloban lala yelled at me and told me im a freak, psycho, buang, not worthy of kent, everything that can hurt me as a girlfriend. i told her "hustona please kay d na mkaya sa akong utok" those were my exact words but what did she do? she continued para daw mabuang kog samot. after that i just sent her a text na na offend ko then tagad nko nya sa among dinner. nag away pa gani sila sa iya bf ato and i told them "kamo ba ayaw na kuno mo cg away dha pag peace namo" and if magkaduol sila i would kid them "ayeeee peace na sila" i would even help her whenever away sila iya bf. pero ever since she told me im not good enough for kent. si kent rman cguro mka judge ana. dba? now tell me kinsay mas grabe ka yaw2x namong duha?

and about my heartaches with my dad, he says the most horrible things to me and kent. which he doesnt do to lala and her bf coz she's her fave daughter even if im the one who was always by his side since i was little. massaging him, dying his hair, making tea for him, giving meds, ect. i dunno why im like this, maybe because im the eldest. that's what ate's should do. and im happy doing that pero ilang isukli nko mkapasakit ra nko.

my moms telling me to go home na, im in her office outside our home. i should end this here coz i wanna stop thinking about this coz this just makes me sad and cry.

im praying that i can talk to a priest alone and confess and share my resentments to him. i want to be free of this burden. id do anything for that.